Let us then with confidence
draw near to the throne of grace,

that we may receive mercy

and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4

It was a devastating time for me.  My niece had died in a tragic drowning.  She was less than a year old.  The last time I saw her, she was standing, clinging to my leg as she learned to walk.

When I received the call.  My heart broke.  I was stunned.   I could not think anymore.  What if I had gone to their house?  What if instead of studying for med school exams, I was instead hanging out with them that night? What if, what if, what if I did something else.  Racing through my mind was a billion what ifs, my desperate stunned mind was trying to somehow find a way to reverse this death.

My heart and emotions spiraled out of control.  Why would such a young child be allowed to die like this?  A deep sorrow entered my heart, I was devastated to the point of being emotionally and reactionary numb.  Any emotion that I could express just didn’t seem “right”.  My friends tried to help in many and various ways and comforting words, but nothing seemed to quench the deep sorrow of death, of her death, so young, so vulnerable, and suddenly, dead without even being given a chance to mature.

Seeing my condition and that nothing eased my pain, one of my friends asked me to attend a worship service. If nothing else, he suggested i go to just spend some time in God’s presence.  If anything else, to just let God surround me in my sorrow.  It was words of wisdom and I knew I needed something, so I accepted.  Waiting for the funeral was crushing me and the waiting for the funeral was destroying me.  So I went.

I can’t remember what song was playing or what was being said, my heart was just broken.  I could barely sing, much less concentrate on worship.  My soul was just in a deep groan. I could not even voice this deep sorrow and could just point to my heart but not even utter “Owwwww.”  It was my heart’s cry but I couldn't even utter the words.

Suddenly, I was no longer on earth.  Rather I was in a field I've never seen and yet it felt like home.  I couldn’t tell you much except how right everything felt.  How everything seemed to be full with life and life surrounding me from all around.  I then saw in the distance a tree stump and on that tree stump it was Jesus tossing and catching, giggling and playing with a baby.  So much JOY and laughter radiated out.  The baby laughed, He laughed, it seems that when He did, everyone smiled and laughed in their heart.  Then I noticed the background, there was a playground with all ages of children playing in it. From out of that playground, two children, about 10-11 came out and were chasing/playing with each other.  A little girl and a boy playing tag. They ran out of the playground behind Jesus and the baby and circled on the outside. As they ran they came between me and Jesus.  She suddenly STOP.  She looked at me and said, “I’m okay uncle Micky, I’m okay.”  She then smiled and skipped away to continue playing.

I lost it! All I could do was weep, words escaped my tongue.  Instantly, I found myself back at the church service. I found myself realizing that I was physically crying and sobbing in real life.  My friends had surrounded me and were trying to console me.  But they could not.  Their words were for the loss of my niece, but I was not weeping for the loss of my niece. I couldn't explain nor voice it to them why I was crying.  I was just crying and sobbing for what I had experienced and yet words were not on my lips.

I went back to my parents’ house, where all the family was gathering and waiting for the funeral day.  There I told of my experience and my sister tried to console my tears.  “It’s okay, you know that she’s in heaven” she said.  And out of my lips, this came out, “I don't care she’s in heaven, I want to be with Jesus!  I want to be playing with Jesus!”  And as I uttered those words, I realized why I was crying.  I had experienced the reality of perfection.  The amazing rightness of Heaven.  The reality of what it was to be IN His presence surrounded by His life.  Everything in heaven has life.  You breathe in life, you expel life out of your lungs.  The colors, oh the colors!  The colors are so brilliant, vibrant, so right!  The sounds of love surround you. You find yourself that you are where you are designed to be!  I was at home!  And now, I was here back in this gray filtered pastel existence, this dreary gray existence, even in the sunniest of day and it was NOT home.

Little did I know what that this would send me into nor what it began preparing me for.

I tell this tale of my experience of being caught up to heaven because of what I am going to tell next.  It is why approaching the throne is a protocol of the kingdom.  For you see, it was in the very midst of my deep pain that He gave me but a tiny glimpse of what yet is to be.

Years later I had another experience that transformed me deeply and changed forever the core of who I am.  And it too, deposited a seed into my soul on this protocol of the kingdom.

I was once again at a different worship service, can’t even tell you who was singing or what was being sung or who was even scheduled to speak.  Suddenly a fear of reverence gripped me and I was on my knees.  Actually, I slammed down on my knees and I became very afraid.  The next thing I knew I was no longer at that worship service.  I was physically somewhere else.  A literal mighty weight fell on me, that I could no longer even kneel.  Such a great weight was on me and such fear gripped my core, that I fell on my face.  I started to cry out in the agony, the intensity, the purity, the holiness, and the physical weight of what it was, was crushing all of me.  As I cried out, I began to hear every cell, every atom in my body also screaming, “GET ME OUT OF HERE!”.  Then I became even more afraid.  As I never had ever heard my cells individually crying out in agony.  I screamed and cried out as loud as I could from this crushing holy weight on top of me.

Suddenly I realized where I was, for I was no longer on earth.  I knew where I was, but I was too scared to admit to it, for surely I should be dead.  This is the end of me, I thought.  I must have died and now I’m here.  All my senses were overwhelmed by the majesty and holiness surrounding me.  I could not comprehend why I was still alive, much less if I was still breathing and not dead.

The crushing continued to press me and I thought I was just going to be crushed like a grape until nothing was left of me.  But after a long time, I realized that I was NOT dead nor being extinguished from existence.  That somehow, for some reason, I was alive.  So I became curious, I was not able to move under this great weight, but I could open up my eyes, that i had kept shut all this time, in utter fear.  

As I opened up my eyes slowly, I saw the blueish green light that had been piercing through my eyes' lids.  It was so brilliant, so amazing, and I saw that it was emeralds whose brilliance I had and never since have seen.

And that is when I HEARD the voices, the angels and the elder SAYING, “Holy Holy is the Lord, who was and is to come.”  The voices were so thunderous, so full of authority and worship and in such unison, it resonated throughout my bones and shook my core.  So frightful it was to hear, I dared not even utter or join in.  I knew for certain where I was now.  I reasoned that surely I have died and now I'm here.  However, I wondered, and yet I'm here.  Curiosity took the best of me so I took my glance away from the floor and dared to look at the throne, and that was when I saw His feet, and I was overcome by the holiness and glory of Him.

And then poof, it ended.

My friends that were at that meeting said I was out most of the meeting.  When I came too, the meeting was way over and people were cleaning up.  They said they literally heard me screaming and thought I was dying and or dead.

So real and so frightful this was, that for the longest time, I could not and would not even join in when people would sing, pray or ask things like “Show us your glory Lord!”  My heart beat would race with fear and would reply, “you do not know what you are asking for!  SHUT UP!  You have no clue what you are asking for! How frightful and fearful what you are asking for truly is!”

Writing this chapter has been honestly, so far, the hardest one for me.  Because, shockingly to me it is exposing and revealing two events in my life I hold dear to my heart and don't elaborate to hardly anybody.  To be transparent of two experiences that have shaped me to who I am today, leaves me honestly with a feeling of being naked.  And yet here I am writing about them. 

As I was asking the Lord as to what to write down for this chapter, He told me to tell of the experiences I have had as they have clues as to why approaching the throne is a Kingdom Protocol.

One experience was Heaven and another was Heaven but the Throne room.

One left me with a deep dissatisfaction for any here on earth and with a deep depression I did not understand for a long time.  It was a yearning for what He is now doing, that is restoring things to their original intent.

The other left me with an utter fear of WHO God truly is.  An understanding that I knew but a little what is the true meaning of what is written, “Frightful is to be in the hands of a living God.”  Job, says it best,

“You are God, I am not. You say, I do.  Blessed be the NAME of the Lord.”

Both experiences I did absolutely NOTHING to earn/be granted/enter into them.  No 40 days fasting, no year of consecration, no million bulls sacrificed in offerings.  Nothing.

Boldly approach the throne of GRACE. That is what the writer wrote down.

That’s the protocol, there is absolutely NOTHING we can do, to earn this privilege.  No amount of cleansing rituals, no amount of fasting, prayer, hours of worship, nothing.  

The definition of Grace is unmerited favor.

Others that are not part of the family of the king, need to schedule a visitation to see the king, But a child of the King, can just bust right into a meeting, runs through the court and jumps on His father’s lap sobs and shows him his “booboo”.  A child of the king, does not care what others see, do or try to get a visit or to the court of the king.  But a child of the king just jumps into the lap of the king sitting on the throne.  To that child, the king is his dad.  Whether dad is tucking him in his bed, or teaching him how to ride a horse, or a lap to jump into when hurting. 

Jesus said it.  Do not prevent the children from coming to me.  He said that it was for children that the kingdom was set up for. 

And who sits at the right hand of the Father?  That’s right! Our Eldest Big Brother, Jesus.  And He is interceding for US, to the father.  He is telling the father just how precious, wonderfully and joyous we are to Him.  Not accusing us, or putting up our past, or warning God about us.  That is the accuser of the brethren that does that!  Not Jesus, not the Holy Spirit is the one that accuses. No they intercede for us, and the father on the throne, rejoices over us because of that intercession.  And even when we mess things up, the love He has for us is so overwhelming that it holds not the past against us.

That is why we MUST approach the throne.

For it is in HIS presence, In HIS glory, in HIS throne, that we find out there is nothing that can stand.  There is nothing worthy within us that can even compare.  In the throne room, we realize that He is Holy.  That He is the great I AM.  And despite all this, He yearns to be with us to be also in His presence in Him in our presence.

I did nothing to experience this, nothing to earn a ticket to enter in. No long time fasting.  No 25 steps ritual, no 6 month bible study, no 10 cleansing steps of deliverance.  One time, I was brokenhearted and unable to speak.  Another time, I was just called up, and nothing in particular outstanding and special had I done.  He just chose to call me up. When He did, He changed my life forever.  I believe that is why it is a protocol of the Kingdom.

It is an acceptance to run to Him, to yield to him, no matter what or where we are at.  He yearns to be with us.  And through the blood of the Son we can approach the throne, when He calls us up.  And we can boldly run into the throne to jump at Dad’s lap when we just need to cry.  This realization that we belong to Him brings us boldness, brings us peace. Brings us closer to HIS heart.